Inconsistencies

 

Neglected-house

Life is full of them. We are sometimes our greatest obstacles to accomplishing anything. Looking back it is easy to see the pattern of neglect. I neglected myself, in so many ways, with my writing especially. What had once been a haven and solace, became a dreaded chore, pulling words out of thin air violently.

So I promise, to be better to myself, my art, my therapy if you will, and better to the readers that follow along.

 

Mrs 305

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Cornstalks, Humming birds, and Sunrises

It is 6 am again. Up before the alarm. Tossed and turned all night so no chance for dreams or much sleeping. Usually this makes me a very cranky person, especially considering that I have another interview today for a retail position. There wasn’t much chance to be cranky. The sunrise was a vibrant orange, pinkish color, dying the clouds over the corn fields in the back of my house. It is one of those moments that I kick myself in the arse for not having a niffty camera (mine really sucks) to get a picture of the view.

It is beautiful, the tips of the cornstalks tinged a golden color that gets brighter each time you look. Not only that, but there are these tiny, fast hummingbirds that poke out of the field and dart near the feeder. Swirling around they finally sit on the ledge and eat the food. My favorite Golden Finches are sitting at the bird bath, chirping away. Who could be cranky? Especially when you have a pot of coffee brewing? With the smell of coffee, the slight chill sneaking in through the windows, and the crickets and birds signing, I think I have a new favorite time of day. Everything smells so crisp, clean, new. As though night comes and takes away all that is used up from the day before, and gives you brand new blades of grass, kisses the flowers and herbs with dew, and encourages the birds to be just a tad more active each morning. Early bird, worm, and all that.

Everything is still quiet, without much noise being made by the neighbors. I used to hate being awake in the mornings, but now I think it is one of my favorite times of day. It is almost as though the powers that be in the Universe gift you for being awake so damned early, and they make it more beautiful. Just like sunsets, they gift you for slowing down enough to look and go “WOW”. I don’t have any photos that captured this moment for you, or any of the birds in the morning, so I do apologize for that. One day, when I get that $600 camera, I will be able to catch the moment and post it for you. For now, however, you are stuck with my lacking description.

Ok, found a picture online just for hecks and giggles. Yea the post is short, but you know I will more than likely write another one today when it is so short. Besides, my coffee mug is waiting to be filled up with morning goodness, the first cup of the day. You get that right?!

Just not harvested, still green and full. The color is right though!

xo

Mrs 305

In Love with Rilke

You ever have a poem that you read that you fall in love with? I finally tracked down the title of the poem from a book I had read a while back. It was a characters favorite poem, and only listed excerpts throughout the book. I do like Rilke, and have fun translating the German to English and back again. It was his poem that was in the book.
I have included it below for you in English, and hope that you enjoy it as much as I do! 😀

I Am Too Alone in This World- The Book of Hours

I am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enough
to make every hour holy.
I am too small in the world, and yet not tiny enough
just to stand before you like a thing,
dark and shrewd.
I want my will, and I want to be with my will
as it moves towards deed;
and in those quiet, somehow hesitating times,
when something is approaching,
I want to be with those who are wise
or else alone.
I want always to be a mirror that reflects your whole being,
and never to be too blind or too old
to hold your heavy, swaying image.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere do I want to remain folded,
because where I am bent and folded, there I am lie.
And I want my meaning
true for you. I want to describe myself
like a painting that I studied
closely for a long, long time,
like a word I finally understood,
like the pitcher of water I use every day ,
like the face of my mother,
like a ship
that carried me
through the deadliest storm of all.

Complexities of Words

As if you were a tiny delicate flower I nurture you. Filling you up with love, compassion, some patience too. Waiting, watching for you to bloom into a beautiful thing that you are. Oh what a joy you are to me, each syllable, vowel a doorway to a new world. Taking me far away into such diverse realms that take you to exotic, dangerous, beautiful, crazy, creepy places. Such simple, almost insignificant things words, that the tiniest tweak can completely change the meaning from one to the other.

Words. They create worlds, religions, species, planets, galaxies. The infinite combination of words can create such beauty, and such hate. A word for every aim, a phrase for each sensation. They may be difficult to cultivate in just the right way, like a stubborn orchid that refuses to bend to your will. Yet with a bit of coaxing, a stroke of the pen, a click of the keys, and they can bloom under your careful hands.

Such beauty, such love, caressing through your lips the way lovers embrace one another. Yet turning dark, black, cruel. Lashing out with such broiling rage until drawing blood from the most gentle of creatures. Careening and clashing one over the other, until all that is left is the destruction caused by a simple adjective. Creating conflict and disorder, igniting a fire in the passionate hearts of those who disagree, encouraging stubbornness and pride.

I find it humorous that words are thrown about so willy nilly without a care in the world. I know that I have even been a villain in this sense and thrown jumbled thoughts into the world without enabling that careful filter between brain and mouth (or writing utensil). I believe that I am improving, becoming more conscious of the words that I choose. I try to stop and think before I write or speak, checking the tone, the wording, making sure that I reach the intended phrase for the intended audience. I love words, and the complexities of putting together the perfect turn of phrase.

What are your favorite words? Phrases? There is beauty even in the darkest of phrases, a simplicity in the complex paragraphs. A game is found in searching for words, an intellectual race in finding the most absurd, the funniest, the down right naughtiest words of all!

C is for Control

Crtl+Alt+Delete so that you can take Ctrl

Control? Why control? Many people associate the word control with negative things, such as a control freak, or someone who is uptight, a perfectionist. Yet control is not always a negative word. In fact, taking control of certain things can be a positive change when done correctly.

When life changes around you, you cannot control it. You can only control how you react to it. Now this is something that I have to remind myself of every single day, because sometimes it is difficult not to take the reins on everything. You need to be able to adjust, to flow, and relax when things change. You do this by controlling how you react. Instead of panicking and having an anxiety attack, take a deep breath and remind yourself that it will be ok.

Taking control over your feelings is another way that taking control can be positive. It will leave you feeling a sense of relief, a sense of peace and tranquility. Anger is the best example. Instead of letting yourself get angry over every tiny single thing, try to take control of that anger. Grab anger by its imaginary hair and beat it into submission until you have it under control. When you let it get to you, you actually lose control over yourself, which can lead to an even worse situation than you were originally in.

One more way in taking control is over your body, your self-image. Many people, myself included, become to hate their bodies because of the image that is projected on us by the media and Hollywood. I know that I must force myself sometimes to take a hard look at myself physically, and teach myself to appreciate the strength and beauty that is my body, instead of hating it and focusing on the things I don’t like. Slow down and take a little more control over your body and how you treat it. Take more care of it and give yourself some well deserved self-love! Obviously I still run and lift, and always watch what I eat (aside from a cookie or two), but I am also learning to take more control over the way I view myself and my body, instead of letting others control that for me.

It is not always easy, and sometimes you might cry trying to gain control back over these things, but it is worth it.

 

P.S. I was originally going to use confidence for C, however control is what came out, so I went with it! 😀

The Proclamation of the World’s Most Amazing Conqueror

Lord’s and Ladies, I bring to you the most wonderful, most insightful, the most crystallizing proclamation of our beloved Conqueror, my friend, my brother, Jermaine.

He is the conqueror not only of the lands and cities that surround us, but also of our hearts. He has become a beloved friend, a brother in arms, to bring about beauty and joy to this world. The eloquence with which he speaks brings tears to a gentle womans eye, and a hitch in the strong mans voice.

Jermaine, whose symbol is that of the wombat, has conquered the land with skill, voracity, elegance, speed, and a graciousness that is enviable. Please all stand aside, as our conqueror speaks:

 

“Comrades and constituents, behold the new land, Jermainenlande! Land of the brave! The loved! The most amazing land to behold, with brotherhood that runs strong as an oak tree. Join in arms with me, and we will conquer this world and make it not just our home, but a land and home for all! The wombat, skillful and graceful a creature as he is, will lead us into a new age, a new era, beholden to us for such intellect that we cannot look full on to its graces without being blinded! Come, join me, and we will make this era the most memorable in all of history!”

HA! Jermaine, my friend, a literal brother from another mother, you are most loved by Michael and I, and you will forever be the goofiest, humorous, laughter eliciting friend that I have ever known! 😀

Oh Sir Wombat, symbol of Jermainenlande!

B is for Bravery

Bravery is not just for knights fighting dragons, or soldiers being deployed. Bravery can get you through any situation. Singing karaoke, be brave enough to stand up to that mike and give it all you got! Moving to a new place not knowing anyone? Be brave enough to go out and meet new faces and new areas around you!

People get stuck thinking that to be brave it includes violence, or criticism. Yes, there are those that will give you criticism, and you might even cry (inside or out) from the cruel words of a cynic, but you do not always have to meet these things. Sometimes it is as simple as standing up for what you believe, or standing up for yourself, even when its standing up against your negative thoughts.

I force myself to be brave each day, pinning back the negative thoughts that encroach my morning haze, making sure that I try my best to stand up against my worst critic: myself. I am so mean, negative, cruel, and harsh to myself, making myself lose determination and faith in things that I really love or strive to do.

Bravery is what is needed, is what can push you through to the end even when you don’t want to.

So try it, try to be brave no matter how big or small the situation may be. Sometimes, it a small moment of clarity after being brave that makes you think “Yes, I can do this”, even if a person, or that little voice, is shouting no!

Even Mighty Mouse was small!

Birthday Wishes to a Not So Little Brother

Fred's Graduation day! O-H-I-O!!!

Today is a special day, with a special shout out! It happens to be my baby brother’s birthday, and I would like to do my part in making it special for him! You see, Fred is on heck of a guy in my book! Recently graduated from Ohio State University with more than one degree, he got a job offer right away, and will be moving off to Nebraska! Ord, Nebraska, population 2100!

Growing up I naturally did my part and tortured the living heck out of him, it was my job after all. Rubber snakes when he was a baby, mom’s mascara when he was two, with the antics getting more ridiculous and worse as he got older. Now we did not always see eye to eye, and we fought worse than cats and dogs, but now that we are a bit older, and no longer living in the same household, I must say that I miss him. Such a sturdy, strong, constant man with many talents. Playing the guitar, he practiced all the time growing up, and now I miss the way he would play at night. Though things change, and I am very happy for him.

Throughout the years of being his sister, I never realized that I would actually be proud of him, proud of what a fine man that he turned into. Maybe this is my year for nostalgia, but he is after all my brother, and no one knows me better than him (well Michael does not too). He was my first enemy, my first science experiment, and my first friend. Everyone knows that your first friend will always be there, no matter how high you rise, or how low you fall, we will always be there for each other. A couple thousand miles wont make a difference either.

So this is for you Fred! May your journey be one of adventure and love. May the road always lead you where you need to go, and that you listen closely to your heart. Stay true to yourself, never compromise yourself, work hard as you always have, and love so strong you think it will kill you. Remember that life can leave kisses as well as scars, and that each memory is always worth it! I love you Fred, and I have never been more proud of you, or the fantastic journey that you are on!

Happy Birthday

Jessia